The Bridge to New Life

Recently as I walked in the park, I was dealing with my feelings of deep grief again. I came to the little bridge that had been built over the creek, an open metal grate kind of bridge that allows you to see down into the depths, a type of bridge that has always frightened me when it was really high, like a drawbridge over some bay that is a hundred feet above the water or a deep ravine. Here it was not very high or frightening but it made me contemplate some thoughts about where I am in life and what I am dealing with. I see myself on a bridge, trying to cross over into a new integration of the grief over Shane's death and general regrets about things undone in life - the death of dreams - to some kind of reconciled life where I can make plans for a future. I've been stalled in my path and I need to cross this bridge. But this bridge allows me to see into the abyss and I am afraid to look at the depths of my fears, afraid to really face what has happened and how much my life has changed. The open grate looks like too fragile a support to hold me up - if I look into the depths, will I fall? My support system is the Lord - therefore it will hold if I trust it, but my fears are irrational and I am trying to get over it. Taking small baby steps, walking slowly, looking at the abyss in small doses. What is in the abyss? Death, and all the fears that humans associate with it. Shane's death, in particular, the details of it, the horror of it, which leads to fears of future losses, yet at the same time reassures me that I will somehow cope. It is this sense that I have entered new territory, where losses become regular occurrences and I don't know if I can stand to look that reality in the face. I have to cross this bridge. I have to move into acceptance of a new life. Recent dreams about going through passages where doors locked me behind so that I could not go back to where I was have confirmed my understanding that I have to cross this bridge. I have taken a few steps but my sense is that I still have quite a length of bridge to walk, walking "that lonesome valley" - but in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil! That will be my cry as a warrior who must push past fear to be victorious.

New Life July 18

Since I last wrote, right after that we got a contract on the house and that process is moving along. But this has still been a very sad month or two for me. I have been going to some counseling, trying to come to terms with how I feel right now, and progress is being made there as well. Taught a class last night, the second in a series of 2, on establishing a nonprofit. I had such dreads about it, and it wasn't as much fun as the eBay class, but at the end last night I got thanks from the students and generally good evaluations. I guess I will do it again, but I have just felt overwhelmed with lots of things to prepare for - I also agreed to do a presentation to teachers at Summer Conference next week, and I really have nothing to say (God help me find something interesting!). Donald and I went birdwatching at the swamp on shady Grove yesterday morning and I saw a Black Crowned Night Heron - that was good. And some pink swamp mallow flowers that were just gorgeous - that swamp is so pretty! This weekend I agreed to go with Carla to meet our cousins in chattanooga - I hope that turns out well - Libby has recently lost her husband, so maybe this will be good for her. Mostly right now I am just looking forward to finishing the house closing and getting on with making some plans from there - I feel like we have been on hold for more than a year - yet we had a wedding! Oh, well, life does move along, despite everything!