Of much knowledge there is no end

Cut too many corners and you will find yourself going in circles. Give away your time and things will work better. No one is as interested in you as yourself. This is natural, so don't take offense easily. Everything is artificial and arbitrary ,so pick anything and do your best. No more is required. You are only considered great when you reside in a small pond. Do your best and move on to the next thing. A short memory can be a great help if used properly. Now, get to work on believing what you know.-Dad-Olsekr-Donald-and all those other names people call me that I'm glad I don't know about.

The scars we all wear inside

Posted by Mom, but Dad found the poem
"The Cross of Snow" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

In the long sleepless watches of the night,
A gentle face - the face of one long dead -
Looks at me from the wall, where round its head
The night lamp casts a halo of pale light.
Here in this room she died; and soul more white
Never through martyrdom of fire was led
To its repose; nor can in books be read
The legend of a life more benedight.
There is a mountain in the distant West
That, sun-defying, in its deep ravines
Displays a cross of snow upon its side.
Such a cross I wear upon my breast
These eighteen years, through all the changing scenes
And seasons, changeless since the day she died.

Longfellow's loss is spoken for us all, with all our losses, and expresses the scars we all wear inside. It is said but necessary to think about sometimes!

Yet, we are in the most beautiful season, a season of hope and resurrection as the earth gears up and begins another round of abundant fertility - so we have a time for enjoying this glorious creation. And we get messages from the front about reptiles and amphibians coming out to be counted in some beautiful and inaccessible places - thanks for sharing! And Ashley - thank you for showing me the fairy world of the abundant fireflies last night - it saved my mood! And we are blessed and life is good!

Hello in There

Today at the thrift store, I came outside first and was waiting on Billie Sue. An older fat man and his wife had just arrived. He apparently did'nt care that much for thrift stores so he told her he would wait outside for her. She said ok and led him over to a chair that was sitting outside the door and said "you sit here and I'll be back in a little while". Trying to be funny, I said "Well, at least she did'nt put a leash on you. He laughed, took the baton , and ran with it.For the next 10 minutes I did not need to speak a word. He spoke of someone in his family's association with the Grand Old Opry in Nashville and his earlier days hunting and fishing, among other things. There was a time I would have thought someone was wasting my time,but I don't see it quite that way anymore. Since I have retired 5 years ago ,I have met quite a few people like this,many of them at thrift stores.They are either lonely or just like to talk. Either way, they usually have something to say that I enjoy hearing ,and make for a fun story for me to tell later. Besides, I just might be one of those people.
Dad

St Patty's Day Yesterday

Posted by Sierra

Woke up this morning dreaming there was a radio beeping low battery somewhere in the woods and I couldn't sleep or find it. Finally, actually woke and realized Jimmy's fire radio was doing that very thing- quite loudly while Perdido slept alongside it, ignoring it. The point I guess is that I did find the noise and turned it off. Always strange when the waking world enters the dream world...
Yesterday was St Patty's Day. I had been looking forward to it mostly because it was a day my brother always enjoyed and sometimes I use that to focus myself on deliberate time that I will make an effort to enjoy my life. I don't have any particular memory of us celebrating it together, but have a letter he wrote me a few years ago on that day. I woke up knowing it was a holiday and had jigs playing in my head. After days of beautiful spring rain that I also enjoyed- hiking into it with my husband and dog- enjoying the lovely soft light it cast in the house, - St Patty's day brought sunshine! Felt giddy and silly all morning, making up silly songs on the way to take Perdido to get her ears cleaned and nails trimmed. Back at the house singing made up songs to her about how much she shined after the bath we had given her. My giddiness a blessing at a time when I have been mostly too intense for this kind of silliness. Rooted through CD's to find my Irish Jigs and Reels and brought it to the car to play on the way to the indigo snake pens where we lifted Perdido into the fence and let her off the leash. We buried blue kiddie pools for the snakes to use later while Perdido ran free around us. I can't describe the joy it brought me to watch her off the leash, bounding with a joy few people ever have, her long black ears flapping behind her head like a superhero's cape as she ran! Back home, We leashed her to the picnic table and worked together in the garden- mulching, planting, starting tomatoes and pepper, eggplants and basil. Cooked peanut sesame noodle with leftover grilled chicken and curled up on the couch with Jimmy to watch a silly movie.
This morning researched what St Patty's day is all about (besides the green and clovers and leprechauns it has become). Apparently it is considered a day of spiritual renewal. St. Patrick was ironically most well known for driving the snakes out of Ireland (which by the way never had any). Interesting that we spent our day aiding the reintroduction of snakes here... But for me, it was a day of spiritual renewal. Enjoying the joy that spring brings. I look forward to the Equinox on Friday. Spring is here!

Quotes

Posted by Sierra

"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not." -George Bernard Shaw

"When I do not walk in the clouds I walk as though I were lost." -Antonio Porchia

"You road I enter upon and look around! I believe you are not all that is here; I believe that much unseen is also here." -Walt Whitman

"From this hour, freedom! From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines, Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute, Listening to others, and considering well what they say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating, Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me." Walt Whitman (maybe the quote from the b&w dog poster?)

"Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me. " -Walt Whitman

"Be not discouraged- keep on - there are divine things
well envelop'd; I swear to you there are divine things more beautiful than words can tell. " -Walt Whitman

Rain falling at dusk
swept on, on
spilling millions of moons on grass blades -Shoiu (haiku Shane painted on his bookshelf)

To the River Otter

Posted by Sierra
I found this poem last winter and it has stuck with me...
To the River Otter was written around 1793 when Coleridge was just 21 years old. The Otter was the river running through Ottery St Mary in devon, the village where he was born and spent his early childhood.
.
To the River Otter- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Dear native Brook! wild Streamlet of the West!
How many various-fated years have past,
What happy and what mournful hours, since last
I skimm'd the smooth thin stone along thy breast,
Numbering its light leaps! Yet so deep imprest
Sink the sweet scenes of childhood, that mine eyes
I never shut amid the sunny ray,
But straight with all their tints thy waters rise,
Thy crossing plank, thy marge with willows grey,
And bedded sand that, vein'd with various dyes,
Gleam'd through thy bright transparence! On my way,
Visions of Childhood! oft have ye beguil'd
Lone manhood's cares, yet waking fondest sighs:
Ah! that once more I were a careless Child!

More Quotes--

Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
and treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Epitaph - thought -
"When you need me, put your arms around anyone and give to them what you need to give to me."

Healing: "God has not promised to take away our trials, but to help us to change our attitudes toward them. That is what basic holiness is. In this life, happiness is rooted in our basic attitude toward reality." Thomas Keating

Wonderful Quotes for Living!

Last weekend I attended a Women's Retreat with 37 women from my church. We had a great time and a very good speaker who had lots of great quotes - here are a few.

We all live far more meaningful lives than we know. Uncovering this meaning does not require us to live differently but to see life differently. Rachel Naomi Remen

Like a path through the forest Sabbath creates a marker for ourselves so, if we are lost, we can find out way back to our center. Remember the Sabbath means remember that everything you have received is a blessing. Remember to delight in your life, in the fruits of your labor. Remember to stop and offer thanks for the wonder of it. Wayne Muller

Every morning you rededicate yourself to your path in order not to go astray. Before going to sleep at night, take a few minutes to review the day. Did I live in the direction of my ideals today? If you see that you took two or three steps in that direction, that is good enough. If you did not, say to yourself, I'll do better tomorrow. The next morning when you wake up, resolve to take solid steps in the direction of your ideals. Don't compare yourself with others. Just look to see whether you are going in the direction you cherish. Thich Nhat Hanh

Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself? Tao Te Ching

An anthropologist, following a primitive tribe in Peru, watched as they moved every day for awhile. Then they stopped for awhile and he asked them why. They said they need the time of rest so that their souls can catch up.

The Bridge to New Life

Recently as I walked in the park, I was dealing with my feelings of deep grief again. I came to the little bridge that had been built over the creek, an open metal grate kind of bridge that allows you to see down into the depths, a type of bridge that has always frightened me when it was really high, like a drawbridge over some bay that is a hundred feet above the water or a deep ravine. Here it was not very high or frightening but it made me contemplate some thoughts about where I am in life and what I am dealing with. I see myself on a bridge, trying to cross over into a new integration of the grief over Shane's death and general regrets about things undone in life - the death of dreams - to some kind of reconciled life where I can make plans for a future. I've been stalled in my path and I need to cross this bridge. But this bridge allows me to see into the abyss and I am afraid to look at the depths of my fears, afraid to really face what has happened and how much my life has changed. The open grate looks like too fragile a support to hold me up - if I look into the depths, will I fall? My support system is the Lord - therefore it will hold if I trust it, but my fears are irrational and I am trying to get over it. Taking small baby steps, walking slowly, looking at the abyss in small doses. What is in the abyss? Death, and all the fears that humans associate with it. Shane's death, in particular, the details of it, the horror of it, which leads to fears of future losses, yet at the same time reassures me that I will somehow cope. It is this sense that I have entered new territory, where losses become regular occurrences and I don't know if I can stand to look that reality in the face. I have to cross this bridge. I have to move into acceptance of a new life. Recent dreams about going through passages where doors locked me behind so that I could not go back to where I was have confirmed my understanding that I have to cross this bridge. I have taken a few steps but my sense is that I still have quite a length of bridge to walk, walking "that lonesome valley" - but in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil! That will be my cry as a warrior who must push past fear to be victorious.

New Life July 18

Since I last wrote, right after that we got a contract on the house and that process is moving along. But this has still been a very sad month or two for me. I have been going to some counseling, trying to come to terms with how I feel right now, and progress is being made there as well. Taught a class last night, the second in a series of 2, on establishing a nonprofit. I had such dreads about it, and it wasn't as much fun as the eBay class, but at the end last night I got thanks from the students and generally good evaluations. I guess I will do it again, but I have just felt overwhelmed with lots of things to prepare for - I also agreed to do a presentation to teachers at Summer Conference next week, and I really have nothing to say (God help me find something interesting!). Donald and I went birdwatching at the swamp on shady Grove yesterday morning and I saw a Black Crowned Night Heron - that was good. And some pink swamp mallow flowers that were just gorgeous - that swamp is so pretty! This weekend I agreed to go with Carla to meet our cousins in chattanooga - I hope that turns out well - Libby has recently lost her husband, so maybe this will be good for her. Mostly right now I am just looking forward to finishing the house closing and getting on with making some plans from there - I feel like we have been on hold for more than a year - yet we had a wedding! Oh, well, life does move along, despite everything!

Life goes on

Si I have not written a word in two months - what have I been doing? Slogging through life, wondering what the next stage will bring, whether anything interesting will happen. We are in a holding pattern, depressed over various situations such as the southside house not selling, and just blah. Still, there are good things every day. I am finally having time to finish some quilting projects started long ago. We went up to the Lodge last Friday night and enjoyed that as always - the weather was great. Sunday night we had Wes and Amanda over for dinner and we all love them. But truly, we are all tense and angry and wondering what to attribute that to. I have made an appointment with the grief counselor for Wednesday, just wanting to talk to someone, trying to decipher whether a lot of the feeling really relate back to that. It seems like most everyone I know is currently disturbed. Except Jerry, I guess, - we ate with her and Jerome Saturday and she seems very happy. And while I am happy for her, I had hoped to have someone there that I could cry with, and that is not possible. I cried a couple of times yesterday - once when I heard a piece on NPR about a group of women who meet together regularly to talk about their sons who have died in the war - it made me wish so bad that I had someone to share that with. Donald and I are going to the cemetery this morning - that may not help but I just feel like I need to. After crying so much yesterday I felt sick and wimpy, and still feel rough this morning, but hope that enough crying will help ease some of the bad feelings - we will see.

Working on a Wedding Dress - by Mom

Working on a wedding dress is kind of like constructing a building (or a life!). This is the fourth one I've made (I made Carla's, Sierra's, and Alison's), and there are some elements in common that seem metaphorical to me. Parts of each construction are very solid and supportive. For Ashley we have a heavy fabric that will wrap tightly around her and contains boning to be supportive. We have a big crinoline that will fluff out that heaviness and make it more airy. These parts are like the solid parts from which we build our lives, things we can lean on or into, things we know will hold up against the vicissitudes of real life. We try to build these things to be beautiful also, but they are solid. Other parts, like the bolero I have been working on this morning, are as gossamer as butterfly wings. The bolero and the beaded fabric are the stuff of dreams, meant only to be beautiful. Much of the wedding finery and the wedding process is like the bolero - they are designed to symbolize our dreams and only to last long enough to get us through this lovely transition. Such is life - gossamer dreams as trimming on a solid foundation that supports us through life!

The Sorrow and the Smile posted by Ashley

Everything bursting with beauty and life. A new flower, new animal, new breeze across each spring day as it comes. And yesterday the sorrow. In the midst of the wedding preparations, spring, love, family and fishing: sorrow. Shane and I stole away to Black Creek in the dark and watched the glittering waters under the park's lights. Our feet cold where we slipped in darkness when we crossed the creek. And he wants to know why I am so sad today. And I want to know why I am so sad today. Ultimately my brother, my sweet Shane, in my head. Many things have passed and I look forward not backward to the best of my ability. I weep aside night's creek and Shane just rocks me gently. Never angry at my contradictions nor frightened by my dark side. Only this great gift to ease this sorrow that is a part of me as much as any joy can be. I don't drink it away; I don't drug it away. I feel it fully for a moment and then turn my face away with will towards my love's smile.

The Ultimate Wild Goose Chase - by Mom

Donald and I went up to The Lodge at Locust Fork to retreat and enjoy a night in the wild. It was a beautiful 24 hours! Four great blue herons flew into the trees right at dusk, looking like ancient pterosaurs. We sat out back in the total dark and listened to the night sounds and watched the moon and stars. I think we heard a Whipporwill even though I know they shouldn't be this far south. We awoke to an amazing bird chorus and a sunrise as gorgeous as the sunset the night before. I was thinking today that "The Property", as we called it so long, is the ultimate wild goose. It has been a place to hang our dreams for quite a few years. It has yielded returns more spiritual than physical, even though much physical labor has gone into it. Mostly we relaxed and enjoyed our retreat but this morning we went down to the river and there was work to do, as always. Dad cut a tree off the path and used the DR to cut the path. I used the nippers for awhile and tried to get some of the privet cut that blocks that beautiful back path where all the wildflowers bloom. The privet is going to hurt the wildflowers eventually. But I couldn't even get enough cut to get all the way through. Constant pruning, cutting, just to survive. It's a place that will never be domesticated, and surely we knew that - didn't we? I was thinking about what I had written earlier about our ancestors and their hard-scrabble existence - did we inherit genes that allow us to draw sustenance out of a place this raw and harsh? Along with it were we given some gift that lets us see the wonder and beauty all among the privet and kudzu? In a recent book I read, on theological stuff, the author quoted some lines from a Bruce Cockburn song, something like "here I am after all these years, bowing before this beauty, understanding nothing". That about says it all.
But also I sat and watched the river flow this morning and these lines came to me:

As Hulseys,
The River takes us down.
We flow through space and time
To be reborn
Into another world.
Some of us must come back.

In sensing the glory that lies behind it and ahead,
We glean intimations of divine immortality.
Forced to return
To the unnatural, the unspiritual world,
Fragments of what the River teaches us
Cling to our hearts and sustain joy.
So we hang our dreams and invest our faith
In that eternal flow.

Poem posted by Mom

"I Think Continually of Those Who Were Truly Great" by Stephen Spender (@1920)

I think continually of those who were truly great.
Who, from the womb, remembered their soul's history
Through corridors of light where the hours are suns
Endless and singing. Whose lovely ambition
Was that their lips, still touched with fire,
Should tell of the Spirit clothed from head to foot in song.
And who hoarded from the Spring branches
The desires falling across their bodies like blossoms.

What is precious is never to forget
The essential delight of the blood drawn from ageless springs
Breaking through rocks in worlds before our earth.
Never to deny its pleasure in the morning simple light
Nor its grave evening demand for love.
Never to allow gradually the traffic to smother
With noise and fog the flowering of the spirit.

Near the snow, near the sun, in the highest fields
See how these names are feted by the waving grass
And by the streamers of white cloud
And whispers of wind in the listening sky.
The names of those who in their lives fought for life
Who wore at their hearts the fire's center.
Born of the sun, they travelled a short while towards the sun,
And left the vivid air signed with their honor.

I thank God for a family who can appreciate this imagery!

Easter Dinner - Family History - posted by Mom

Instead of turkey, it is ham that is the family Easter dinner, instituted by Grandma Tommie, along with her famous potato salad and green beans. I arose and cooked that meal today and thought about her. I had been thinking about her in church on Maundy Thursday when we sang "The Old Rugged Cross" - one of her favorite hymns. So I got up about 5:30 and had a ham in the oven by 6:30 and picked green beans and thought about family traditions. Today I wish more family could have been here, but Carla came after the glorious church service, and brought a friend, and me and Donald and Ashley ate that good meal! And I often think about the trouble that it is to cook, when you can go to the store and buy all things ready-made, but how cooking it with my own hands is an expression of love in my life.
It's not because I think I'm not always going to be here, but just because I want you all to have some perspective on your own lives that I want to tell the family story, even if it dribbles out in bits and pieces. Life is harsh. It's hard and gritty in some way not matter who you are or where you come from. It's just because we think we are privileged and have so many choices that we think it is possible to live a perfect life.
We can't. That's where grace enters your life. You look back at your family history and you know that perfection is not attainable. We just bumble along and do the best we can, cross ourselves and thank God when our mistakes produce consequences we can somehow live with and move on.
Where you come from: I grew up not really poor but nearly. My family grasped at money, maybe not nickels and dimes, but certainly quarters and dollars. Now my philosophy is : "If it's a problem only about money, it's not a real problem." Since I first wrote this I have experienced a real problem and now I know this to be the real truth.
Your ancestors: Just a couple of generations back, your ancestors did hard physical labor on hard scrabble farms that never really produced a good living. Each generation that could get out left it behind and chose a different form of hard grind.
On your mother's side: hillbillies from the hills of Tennessee and the South Carolina-Georgia border. Descendants of indentured servants from Europe? - England maybe? Indian blood mix was claimed. Your mother's grandfather, William Redmon Fowler, worked in the hosiery mills in Clinton, TN and then retired to Chattanooga. He was good with machines and invented things. He was a good gardener and canned homemade vegetable soup. He and Annie Mae Fowler lived in Clinton, where Tommie was the youngest child. She had an older sister, Marion, and an older brother, Raymond, whom she idolized. Tommie had polio when she was 2 years old.
That's all for today- Easter is a good time for just watching the sunset and that is what I plan to do!

Chasing the Wild Turkeys posted by Sierra

The Equinox has come and I welcome Spring and the beauty of the cycle of seasons- returning always to full bloom... Turkey hunting season is on and Jimmy and I rise early in the dark morning hours to listen to the joyful gobbling of lovestruck birds seaching for mates. Some mornings we hear nothing and walk out a trail in the woods, setting up in some shrubbery, Jimmy clucks and yelps and when there is no answer, still we feel the shapes shifting in the woods- are reminded of the life and beauty hidden out there. This morning, I stayed home, back at the Elliott's Creek cabin in Moundville, I stepped onto the screened in porch at sunrise and heard the turkey's joyous gobble from my porch. I will look for blooms hiding in the woods today at work.

Good Friday/Easter - Posted by Mom

There are all kinds of messages in Good Friday and Easter. The full moon last night and the vernal equinox presage new life springing up and out and we are so ready for that! This season also reminds us how good things can come to us, even when all hope seems to be dead, when we are sure that we are at the end of the road. I am so thankful for hope and faith, for life that can continue in the face of utter despair and turn around to bring joy if we are open to it! Easter is proof that the forces for good and love in the universe ultimately beat out the evil forces that bring about death and despair. But we can only see that invisible victory if we are looking for it and choosing to affirm life and love in the face of loss. I have gone through a sad period again lately, but it has been balanced with planning a wedding that is all about affirmation of love and joy. Dad and I were watching a program this morning about "big brother" phone surveillance techniques and laughing about how bored they would get listening to me and Sierra talk last night about tablecloths, serving dishes and buying wedding finery, not to mention the bizarre turkey story -maybe the government could have found some alien story there! Yes, Sierra and Jimmy went looking and listening for turkeys yesterday and didn't get one, but I found one in a sack by the road! But, as always, it is good to be busy with mundane details and especially with our hands, making dresses and invitations, being creative with our thoughts and hands. That is when joy surprises us.

Wax On Wax Off posted by Sierra

Wax on, wax off. Simple words of wisdom that still ring true... After wrestling taxes and the open ended day, moping, wishing it was real swimming weather, knowing the water must be quite cold still so- put on my bathing suit and barefoot wandered out the back door, took up the hose in desperation and stood amongst the blueberries and sprayed myself down in the bright sunshine, then instictively began to spray green grime off the vinyl siding. Jimmy joined me and before you know it, there are brushes and toothbrushes and bleach water and we have finished two sides. Wax on, wax off, this is the best I've felt in days. The house isn't looking too bad neither.